I used to love being a night owl, and there was a time when I had the luxury of staying up late watching series and movies. I would often find myself watching whatever everyone was talking about or whatever had become the latest trend. As I grew older, however, I began to realize that time was becoming something I could no longer afford to waste. I wanted to invest my time in gaining experiences, learning lessons, and making choices that would allow my future self to look back on this season of life and be proud of the person I had chosen to become.
Life, however, has thrown many curveballs my way: heartbreaks, betrayals, new responsibilities, and new relationships. It has become a bittersweet reality. The person I once wanted to be—someone who made plans, had a clear vision for life, and set goals for every stage of it—has become someone who simply tries to live one day at a time. Someone who plans only a week or two ahead.
Perhaps it is because what he once wanted and hoped for hasn’t worked out as expected. So, he has learned to adjust his life to the circumstances he has been given. His body has adapted to the temperature of his surroundings. His desires and needs have collided, each fighting for attention.
The war within is a heartbreaking one.
You know you are going to get hurt. You know that something will have to give. Sometimes desire takes over, and your needs suffer. Other times, when your needs receive all the attention, your desires are left to face the consequences.
I used to hear the words, “Dream big.” Now, all I hear is my morning alarm telling me to get up, show up, and keep living so I can provide myself with what I need. And when desire comes knocking, I get frustrated because it feels as though I have to tell it, “You are not supposed to speak right now.”
How many times have I fought with myself, only to realize that somewhere in the middle of that battle, a part of me gets scarred?
Why are human emotions so complicated? Why are there so many voices within us? Why does flying, which isn’t even a necessity, become a dream?
When these two sides fight, they leave scars on the soul. I know it sounds sad, but perhaps this is what living looks like. We call it adulthood.
I have started enjoying solo travelling. Perhaps it is because I have moved so much, made new connections, and then had to leave them behind. Some of those connections remain nothing more than names on my Facebook friends list. We seldom talk, and sometimes we never get to see each other again.
Through all the trials of life, I have come to realize that there is one person I will have to stay with for the rest of my life: myself.
I need him, and he needs me. We need to learn to be okay with each other because life doesn’t stop. I have to keep moving forward. I watch people come and go, and I watch life move on. But those who are left behind carry memories printed into their minds and souls. The trails, the marks, and the imprints remain.
And perhaps that is what life has given me: a gift.
The gift of waking up early and getting things done. The gift of understanding that caffeine isn’t just for workdays anymore; sometimes, even rest days need a little help. Because this person, the one I have to live with for the rest of my life, deserves to be okay with every version of himself.
Growing up is not about becoming the person you once planned. Perhaps it is about learning to live with the person you have become, without giving up on the person you still hope to be.